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Wednesday, 17 May 2017

On loss, changes and adapting to them


Isn't life a series of painful losses? We lose some people to death and some people to life (misunderstandings, ego, destiny). 

The more we love a person, the more the loss affects us. The pain becomes so unbearable at times that life seems like a merciless struggle to cope up with the losses that life throws at us in the most unexpected times. 

Yes, there are gains too. There are blissful moments of togetherness and love when we laugh so loudly that tears roll down our eyes.

There are cuddles that are so tight that the feeling lingers on long after. Within the blinking of eyes, those moments become memories of beautiful moments spend with our loved ones. And I believe only those memories help us from drowning in the sea of life. We stay afloat, clinging to the memories in our heart and believing that our loved ones are there with us, even if we can't see them. We can still feel them even when they are not around. 

Life is unpredictable and changes are an uninvited visitor 

Last month, my life changed completely as I lost someone whom I had loved more than my mother. In fact, she was the mother figure of my life. My grandmother, my darling Dida, who had loved me unconditionally and had raised me after my mother passed away when I was twelve. She was my mom, my granny, my sister and my best friend. Yes, she played all these roles in my life with deftness. And losing her was like losing a huge piece of my heart. 

The only consolation that I could give myself was that she got relief from the unbearable pain. It was arduous to see her every day writhing in pain in front of my eyes. She suffered for one whole month. She had a brain stroke. It was heart wrenching to see her battling with the loss of memory and tremendous pain due to secondary infections. She was at home for the last 14 days and I feel blessed that I could care for her like a baby. I got the chance to mother her for those 14 days. 

My grandmother was a very fit lady who did all her tasks and herself. She made tea for me whenever she made tea for herself. Last year, she went with Dad and me on a trip to Darjeeling. The manager of our hotel was surprised to see an old lady like her bubbling with enthusiasm. Despite getting much less than what she deserved in life, she was so full of life. She was the epitome of goodness and cheerfulness. 

Adapting to changes because life goes on...

Now when I have to spend every single day of my life without this magical person who was my mother, grandmother, best friend, and sister rolled into one, I feel lonely beyond words. When I lost my mother, I had a mother figure in my life. But with the loss of Dida, I am completely motherless in this huge world. 

There are days when I cry, scream and feel that I can't take it anymore. But thankfully my habit of writing saves me in those times. I record all the beautiful memories with Dida in my journal. It feels great to relive those moments in the white pages on those dark nights. I am planning to start a memoir section on my blog too. 

We, human beings are great at adapting to changes. No matter how painful the change is, we ultimately find a way to adapt and start again. And when I get drowned in the overwhelming emotions, I feel Dida is telling me how much she misses that twinkling smile on my face. She hated my tears and always blackmailed me emotionally by crying more than I cried. 



This is the last picture that I had clicked with Dida before she had the stroke. It was taken in March, this year and how crazily we were laughing our hearts out that day. I had no idea that after two months, I will be writing this post about losing her.

Dear Dida, 
My moonshine,
I will always look for you
In the starry nights,
In the goodness of the world;
I will always feel you
In the autumn breeze,
The cardigan you had woven for me;
I will always remember you
While having tea, 
And listening to old Bengali songs.
I will always miss you,
Cherish you, admire you
And love you!






14 comments:

  1. Such a heart warming post, Purba... so inspiring too. I am sure Dida is already looking at her sunshine with loving eyes, blessing her, now and forever. Hugs dear take care <3

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  2. The relationship with grandma is always a special one. Your write up is a fitting tribute, Purba.

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  3. You brought tears to my eyes with this post. I don't know what to add apart from what you have written already so beautifully. We adapt, yes, we do, but I feel a part of us dies with loss or we simply reserve that for the memories we want to live again and again. And it's alright to let go of emotions, to cry for the loss when we can't cap those emotions. We are humans after all. Just take care of yourself. That's a lovely picture :) And yes, keep being the wonderful and brave person you already are.

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  4. Oh Purba, absolutely understand ur loss... Ur Dida is extremely proud of u... May her soul rest in peace... And she has taken a bigger role in ur life now i. e. that of a Guardian Angel... Stay blessed my dear

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  5. My heart goes out to you Purba - Dida's spirit will guide you always - keep this pic in your heart always my dear, and when you feel low, remember that she is watching you and will want to see your smile a d not your tears. Stay strong....sending you lots of love!!!

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  6. As I read the post I feel so proud of you. It is not easy to face such a great loss and the way you have confronted it is commendable. It is true that neither dida nor any of your loved ones who care for you would want to see drowned in emotion. They did miss the twinkling smile. Dida for sure deserved this beautiful tribute from you and would be blessing you.

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  7. It is incredible to have someone who even after they are physically gone can leave such an amazing afterglow in one's life. I am sure she has read this post and knows that she is always alive in your thoughts. The best thing is to have a love in your life that is untainted right until the end. that to me is the most cherish worthy part.

    <a href="https://myblawghh.blogspot.in/>Amorphous Creativity</a>

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  8. Your post brought tears into my eyes Purba and you know I relate to every word of it. Glad you have decided to start up a section on your blog in fond memory of yr dida and will always keep her alive there. You are a strong gal my dear, pls tke cre.

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  9. This is such a heartwarming post dear... each and every line made my nerves numb and your words are so inspiring. I am sure Dida is watching you and blessing you in every form and that will be your biggest strength throughout your life. Eager to read your 'memoirs' section on the blog. May her soul rest in peace. More power to you, take care my dear!

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  10. Your Dida always wanted you to smile no matter what happened. Always try to stay like that. I remember you became introvert when your mother passed. I am happy that you’re sharing your feelings with us this time. God bless you, Purba!

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  11. Her blessings are with you.

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  12. Aah ! Got emotional by reading and thereby having a feel of your sentiments towards her.

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  13. A heart warming post, Purba! I know, she's looking at you from the heavens and must be searching for the sweet smile that she left with her granddaughter to cheer her father. Her blessings are there with you and esp. the memories to cherish the future. More power to you.

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